Brush of Death: Survivor's Guilt from the Mouth of L

Friday, August 28, 2009

Before I left on this trip, both my mother and my aunt warned me that I would regret the decision if I really went. They said I had to stay home and try harder to find God. Realistically, I don't think God will be found in 24 hours of playing Bejeweled Blitz but what do I know? I am an unsaved heathen after all. For all my half assed efforts at attempting to find eternal salvation through the blood of Christ, I constantly find myself holding hands with the devil by the end of the day.

The car with the blown out windows and the other guy's grill stuck onto the poor car

M's toes & pobrecito car.

I was staring out the back window stowed safely behind the driver's seat when I heard an obscenity, felt a bump, a wetness sprouting on my shorts and turned to see M in the passenger seat covered in glass. As M told CD she was okay, C turned to me and said, "I'm all sticky and wet." The ominous voices of my mother and aunt began to taunt me. The first thought that hit me was, "It's all my fault," the second, "C's iced green tea latte is all over my ass and that's why I'm wet." Optimist that I am (note irony) scenes of dead M sitting limply in the car kept flashing through my head and I kept imagining the head scraping of apologies and explanations I would have to give to her family and fiance alternating with me throwing my grief ridden body off the freeway leaving the mess for CD and C to deal with. Of course the final destination scenarios had to have their trip across my brain and my actively paranoid imagination went into overdrive.

CD & L checking out the mess. Note L's wet spot on her butt. A result of C's green tea latte spilling all over the backseats.

Desperately trying to make up the accident to CD, I asked if he wanted me to take pictures. I just ruined the guy's car right? And I made this happen. I mean come on, if I hadn't woken CD up early because I wanted to play or if I hadn't insisted that this would be the year M and I really come to Ptown and break our tried and true tradition of canceling on CD, all of us would be safely staring at death from the distance of our own made follies. Everything bad in my life and the people around me has always been my fault for daring to exist, so I've been told. Of course I believed the car accident was no different. So I believed I was cursed by demons and this was all my fault for coming to Ptown and because of my hedonistic desires, everyone around me was suffering. I lay low because I knew I was going to get in trouble. M and C were alive, kicking and not in foul moods so we were good. I figured CD only had a couple of hours to yell at me and ice me out of his life before we flew ourselves back down to Cali. Drama much? No, just damaged.

The bully who beat us up.

Imagine my surprise when the day moved forward to continue with our planned events. This semblance of normalcy was really soothing and by the time we got to the beach I felt more like myself. You can read about our fun filled schedule in the other posts. These perspective blogs on that day are a rehashing of the very different emotions experienced by us all. I felt super guilty for being completely untouched and unaffected by the accident. In fact, I was the only one who was able to enjoy the grande Vanilla Mocha Frappacino I ordered from Starbucks because it was neither smashed nor full of glass like the other 3 drinks in the car.

I held my shit together till 4pm today right after my admissions interview before indulging in a cry fest for about 6 minutes. I'm just so happy we're okay and actually had a really good time minus the car accident. Deets will come later.

And for the record, in my mini stone castle fantasy, I never leave my property because I suffer from agoraphobia and that's why I need a high school student to work part-time for me. DUH guys.